About

Hmmm...After 48 years on this planet, in this particular incarnation, what can I say in an about page?

I think I want to start with this:

"How can you bear to live in a world without justice?"

"I can bear it because, though many things cannot be taken back, power can. I can bear it because seeds and trees and blades of grass and stars exist. I can bear it because, along with the senselessness and savagery, there is the sanity of beauty and love, and if nothing up until now could destroy them, nothing ever will."

-- The Life of Zerah

And I'll continue with this:

This is me as a little kid:

I begin here cause I had it all clear back then. We all do: LOVE AND CARE FOR: others, yourself, animals, insects, the earth, in equal measure. That’s all. That’s enough.

I grew up in the suburbs near Philadelphia, which was once part of Lënapehòkink, the ancestral homelands of the Lenape peoples. American suburbia is severed from the wisdom of the original stewards of the land. To say I didn’t fit in to the American suburban way of life would be a GROSS UNDERSTATEMENT. I longed to leave it, see the world, and find a kinder, saner, calmer, more connected way of being. I also grew up longing to be a rabbi, and part of a synagogue that conflated Judaism and zionism, and outright denied the atrocities of Israel. You can read about my "awakening" from the savagery that is zionism here.

For a long time, setting off into the unknown felt impossible for a lot of reasons, including this one: I was diagnosed with depression as a child, and then again as an adult, and again and again and again. It took me years to overcome that DIAGNOSIS: to understand that extreme despair and suicidal thoughts and hopelessness are a response to something very real and not the result of faulty brain chemistry.

I will not say: NOTHING is impossible, because some things are. But inside that impossible, there is a great deal of space for wild and wonderful meetings, for the MAGIC and JOY and LOVE we were all born worthy of, for you to rewrite the narrative of your life and the narratives in the dishonest history books, and for you to connect with everyone and everything that the fear sellers need to keep you separate from, in order to keep you as powerless as possible.

YOU ARE POWERFUL. Remember that. Always.

Eventually, I set off on my journey into the great wide world: traveling, teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages (ESOL), volunteering, writing, and making art along the way. And now, a little more than 20 years after first setting off, I think if I had it to do all over, I’d be born in the heart of a rain forest instead of on a doctor’s operating table.

I’d choose snakes over the SATs. I wouldn’t play their game for a second. Instead of telling myself over and over again, “You’re crazy for not fitting into the modern world,” I’d see the madness for what it is. I’d respect myself: my body and what’s right for it, my emotions, my own journey. I’d reject every teaching I was ever given that wasn’t rooted in love for ALL LIFE. I’d question my dreams, including how and why I was pursuing them. I'd set off into the unknown way sooner than I did. I wouldn't fear being lost, but I'd steer clear of certainty. I wouldn't run from or fear that unbearable pain. I'd hold its hand, breathe, and listen to everything it had to say. I’d set this as the purpose of my life: live a life of service, love and care for other people, yourself, animals, insects, Mother Earth. And for Goddess’s sake! – learn how to grow food, build a house, and make clothes!

But as I'm hopefully not going to do it all over again from the beginning, as there's no going back, only going forward, this is how I hope I keep walking: with gratitude for the solidarity, friendship, and love I've found, with love instead of fear, and by living each day as though tomorrow might not come, wasting not a moment or opportunity, filling sacred time with as much love and kindness as possible...love and kindness towards others and myself.

Before I started traveling long-term, I read on the websites of so many backpackers and nomads: I’d rather have a life full of experiences than a house full of stuff. I agreed. And now, after so many experiences, I’d add this learning: the best experience is profound connection to others, the land, and our own divinity.

(Me with one of my best friends and greatest teachers ever, Flaco)

As for what’s next, I’ll eventually add an update here.

The best way to connect with me is via email: chanabashah(at)gmail(dot)com. I do not use social media.

As for all the names associated with my writing and me:

Jennifer Bess Helfand is my American name and the one I used for most of my life. Chana Basha Helfand is the name I use now. It’s my Hebrew/Yiddish name, as well as the names of my great-grandmother and great-aunt (who I was named for), and the names I’ve always preferred, for many reasons. My bridge to reclaiming the names of my ancestors was my pen name: Jordana Chana Mayim. Jordana is what my mom said she would have named me if she’d known how I was going to turn out. 😊 Mayim means water in Hebrew, and Hebrew is a language that, long ago, meant a great deal to me. We’re all made up of 60% water. That’s why I loved “water” as a last name. We all come from the same source.

Choosing to use names on a daily basis that I love and that mean so much to me was one of the best decisions I ever made… Our names should sound like music. When I told a friend I’d be using my great-grandmother’s name every day from now on, she said: Ask your great-grandmother how she feels about it, and listen for her reply.

I did. I heard birds singing.

May we live in such a way that our lives serve as love songs to all those who hear us.

A hug for those who need it (which is everyone...), in word and picture format...

Yes, children,

I will teach you about your power

and the power of kinship.

I will enrobe you in my embrace

and plant kindling inside your spirits

to stoke your fires if they wane.

I will stitch joy to your songs

and beautiful to your names

so they all become synonyms for one another—

so I can be certain that you will

never forget who you are.

Love,

Chana

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